he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
