So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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