I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Randomize