Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
