So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
