either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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