you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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