This is not my ceiling
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
