before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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