bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Randomize
