Kareoke will never be a sober sport
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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