dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
