My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
