Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
He kissed a someone with a penis
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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