my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
