I puked a lego.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
