bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
