I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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