ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
