So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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