just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize