my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
