so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Randomize
