You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
