dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
