Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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