oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
