I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
