god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
