yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
