Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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