Whoa Z and x make the same sound
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
