Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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