My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Boobs speak an international language.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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