Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
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