This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Randomize
