i permit you to call me
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize