I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
