meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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