I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
