he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Randomize
