when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
