Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
