dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
