I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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