I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize