On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
