I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
