you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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