You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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