I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I'm too high and old for this...
Randomize
