On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
