went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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