She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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