Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Randomize
