is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Randomize
