I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
What a dumb baby whore.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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