I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize