Can i not drive my cunt home
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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